Today is my 39^th birthday. This isn't weird, people turn 39 all the time. Cakes are baked, balloons are blown up, the Happy Birthday song is sung off-key around a restaurant table while the birthday person does that thing with their face where they're smiling but you can tell they're also dying a little inside.

That's the face I'm making as I write this, because honestly, I'm dying a lot inside.

It's not that I'm ungrateful to have made it this far. Back in the day, 39 was a real lucky age to make it to, especially for someone in a position such as myself. There's a very specific kind of grief that comes with birthdays when you've had to watch your life plans being dismantled by something you didn't ask for and cannot fix. Yay for disability!

Although this is something I have been dealing with for almost 20 years at this point, I still expected more from myself. As if I'd somehow be able to overcome my physical limitations by just using the ~brain~ I've been blessed with. It's honestly a great brain, capable of great things. When it works, it works beautifully. It's actually my best asset and for the most part, I love it.

But it can't compensate for the physical limitations, and it also has ADHD.

There's also a chance that I'm in perimenopause, which was floated as a possibility while I was at my weight loss check up this morning¹. It feels like this should actually be illegal for chronically ill and neurodivergent women, but on the flipside, it's something that can be managed with hormone therapy and has an end date. A somewhat extended end date, but an end date nonetheless.

I think I am most annoyed by the fact that I keep expecting things to get better when in reality, the general aging process precludes that from being a possibility. Even for non-disabled folk. This stuff happens as you age. It just feels a bit worse for me. What should be getting better is my acceptance of my situation and my ability to live my best life despite it all.

So I guess that's my goal for the year. Before I turn the big four oh, I really need to figure out how to live well within my restrictions. There are definitely periods of time where I do just that, but then my brain gets in its own way and starts me down the path of thinking that, somehow, I should be doing as well as every other 39 year-old out there.

I'm not every other 39 year-old out there though. I need to do what's best for me.